I know, I know...you thought I was dead

But I'm not. I've been busy and inspiration for a sarcastic rant has been elusive these past few months. I would like to use my recent marriage as an excuse; it has just made me too damn happy. But my older married friends assure me that this will soon wear off and I will recover my sharp acidic wit. So please do not let this cause widespread panic for my well-being.

I am still happy today, but the gods saw fit to have me meet a few choice people this morning and I feel as though I would not be serving my purpose on this earth if I didn't share with all my loyal readers the lessons I learned.

Dear readers, if you own a car, have ever driven a car or are entertained by the number of stupid assholes who use vehicular transport.....please keep reading.

Do's and Don'ts for rear end collisions on a two lane road:

1. Do NOT stop immeadiately blocking the road and the hundreds of cars behind you. Rather pull off the road to let traffic pass.
2. Do pull onto the shoulder, turn into a driveway or sidestreet to accomplish #1
3. Do NOT pull off onto a strip of grass about 2 feet wide that separates the road from a very steep ditch. This is not what they call the "shoulder". Your car will not magically balance on the one wheel that remains on the level grass. Rather, your car will, according to the laws of physics, tip into the steep ditch leaving you and your car sitting on its side now perpendicular to the road.
4. Really do NOT do #3 when there is a driveway no more than 15 feet in front of you that you could have easily pulled into, avoiding the whole ditch debacle entirely.

It's your lucky day!

The following article was found using my news search feature on Super Happy Fun Time, but it is sooooo awesome that I needed to make sure everyone saw it. It is super awesome for two reasons - First it is about the filming of Rock of Love Bus which means this show is actually real and not just a rumor and Second the article is on the Wall Street Journal Market Watch website, which in the current economic times I find especially entertaining!



http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/bret-michaels-schedules-rock-love/story.aspx?guid=%7B05C35671-7D40-484B-A39B-1FEB3C7B24FE%7D&dist=hppr

Momma on Politics

This long awaited blog post comes courtesy of your friendly acquaintance's mom who recently wrote the following e-mail about why she is refusing to vote early in the state of Ohio:

So I have a question about the votes of all the people voting absentee or early. If McCain drops dead of old age or Obama is killed by a rabid McCain supporter, what happens to the votes of people who already voted? Are they just not counted? Do they count as votes for the VP nominee for president? Do they count for the party instead of the person, so if McCain kicks off all those people are voting for whoever the RNC picks to replace him? Maybe we could end up with Cheney as president! I googled but found nothing. Do you know any constitutional law scholars who might have an idea?

Oh how I love stream of consciousness typing....Thanks Mom!

Politics is not Super Happy Fun Time

So usually you're friendly acquaintance does not discuss politics because it is always more sad then funny. But if I don't get this out I think my head will explode. That or I will literally kick the shit out of the next Republican supporter I see.

1. Hello McCain camp -- if Obama had been talking about Palin he wouldn't have used the common phrase "putting lipstick on a pig" he would have said "putting lipstick on a bitchy, lying, corrupt whore". Duh. I guess I never knew grasping at straws could be so fun...but it must be awesome because the republi-fucks just can't get enough of it.

2. Hello Mrs. Palin -- You are as bad as all of the Islamic extremists who are committing violent acts. They are fighting a holy war with a mission from God, and you are fighting a holy war on a mission from God. So now both sides can be irrational fuckheads...doesn't that just scream security and stability.

WooHoo can't wait for you and old cancer face to invade Pakistan and Iran and North Korea. And of course we want to reinstate the draft; McCain wants everyone to have the same opportunities he had in life -- the chance to be tortured and die. But if you're lucky you might actually survive like McCain and someday marry you're own beer heiress.

Okay so I lied, there are two more
3. Palin, Thank you for proving that you don't have to be male to be part of the good ol' boys club. Corruption, cronyism, religious fanaticism, lying and pay-offs. Yes women can do it all too.

4. And finally: If all critics of Palin are being sexist, then all critics of Obama are being racist (although in the republi-fucks party that is probably worn as a badge of honor).

I would like to finish by adding that having different ideas about the economy and health care and energy can be good for the country. Different views bring debate and hopefully learning and growth. But if every time a candidate addresses an issue or questions your record, you whine that it is because you are a woman or because of the liberal media, you are not adding to the discourse of the nation. But then again most of your supporters are rubes anyway and don't understand what "discourse" means.
And yes, saying that makes me an elitist - but unfortunately I am a poor truthful elitist instead of a rich lying elitist like McCain.

And Palin, well she is not elitist, she's just a wrinkly ugly short fat dog with lipstick who likes to attack all visitors whether friend or foe.

Odd Book Titles - Warning - Long and only mildly humorous

So to start with, I have to confess that I did not find the wonder list below on my own. A friend forwarded it to me after one of his co-workers forwarded it to another co-worker who then forwarded it to him. I guess co-worker number one didn't actually like my friend that much.

Apparently, for the past 30 years, the Bookseller magazine has awarded a prize to the oddest book title it can find. The original source is http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_7598000/7598964.stm

The titles are listed below, but in order to save all of my readers the agony of wondering what each book is really about or if it has an important moral or message, I have also included what I will call an executive summary of each of the books.

1978: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
Hey it worked for the mice in Flower's for Algernon, why ruin a good thing

1979: The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution
Step one - find whore. Step two - manage whore. Step three - once whore is past her prime, rob her and kick her out of your house.

1980: The Joy of Chickens
Being gently put to sleep before they hack your head off

1981: Last Chance at Love: Terminal Romances
Too sad to joke about, I mean I am surprised this made it onto the list. I suppose there could be some kind of airport bathroom reference (get it, terminals) but really people dying is sad. But chickens dying is still funny.

1982: Population and Other Problems - China National Publications
The solution is pollution (oh that rhymes:) well pollution and that whole murdering your enemies thing they've got going on

1983: The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling
How to roll a good joint ( for all those cool rebel kids out there)

1984: The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today.
People like Jam. If you don't like jam, you are a tard.

1985: Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts
This book has since been replace by one entitled "The Water Bra for Dummies"

1986: Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
Lauren - any comments?

1987: No Award
Well poop. Don't blame me, I was only 7 and therefore not up to penning the next great novel.

1988: Versailles: The View From Sweden
Wet and foggy

1989: How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art
A how to guide for people who are too stupid to find and use a bathroom (even a porta-potty would do)

1990: Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual
Gross.

1991: No Award
I was still only 11, and while I was writing on the level of Dickens, I would not have been able to follow on the heels of Lesbian Sadomasochism

1992: How to Avoid Huge Ships
A) Step one: Stay on land you dumb ass
B) Step one: While asea look around your boat/ship. Step two - if HUGE ship is coming your way, move. Step three - Pat yourself on the back for not actually being moronic enough to need this book

1993: American Bottom Archaeology
I prefer the term 'ass' or at the very least 'buttocks'. But the real disappointment is that it doesn't use the word excrement in the text.

1994: Highlights in the History of Concrete
300 blank pages

1995: Reusing Old Graves
Step one - Dig up body. Step two - Rob grave. Step three - take the express train to hell for writing a book like this.

1996: Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers
And by 'cancellation numbers' they mean gay sex preferences

1997: The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition
Haha..funny pun about small things and sex

1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw
Step one - find whore. Step two - make whore sleep on straw. Step three - milk cow

1999: Weeds in a Changing World
Follow-up the runaway best selling "Stupid Shit about Weeds"

2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures
Insert lame Viagra joke here

2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service
Hit-men-R-us

2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks
Oh shit! I'm so bored now...this list is too long...all of the humor had been sucked out of the blogosphere

2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
Is it lesbian horses or lesbians with horses or lesbians with lesbian horses or...seriously the title should be more descriptive.

2004: Bombproof Your Horse
Or Hey paranoid fuckhead get some counseling

2005: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It
Rip off of Ghost but without the pottery scene

2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
Trust me, it's funnier if you just imagine this book for yourself

2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs
It's official. I am no longer funny.

Do your toe nails look like fingernails?

I was in the elevator this morning and I was staring at the floor to avoid making eye contact with the annoying cheerful people who like to say hello to every man, women and ficus tree that they may pass on the way to their office. While staring at the floor, I tend to examine people's feet. Sometimes I admire a cute pair of shoes other times it is merely to see that most men do not know that black socks do not go with brown shoes. But today was no usual day...no. Today I see a woman wearing sandals who had some of the longest toe nails I has ever seen. she had a french pedicure with the white tip extending way past the end of her toe.

What the hell is up with this. Hello all people everywhere. Toe nails are meant to be short. Pretty soon I expect to see women with lee press-on nails glued to their tootsies. You know maybe with hot pink polish and some glue on crystals, or maybe a classy airbrush pattern. And if I ever do see this I will laugh loudly while pointing at the offending toe, also making choice remarks about the persons obviously unsophisticated upbringing.
Toe offenders - consider yourself warned!

I mean really! This has now topped "pantyhose with open toed shoes" as my number one foot related pet peeve.

Side note:
Oh and has anyone seen the new Heidi from the Hills music video? She is dressed like Jane Fonda in a 1980's aerobic video complete with leotard and sweatbands and other weird badly dressed sweaty people in the background. It makes me long for the days of her screeching on a beach showing off her wing span.

PS. I am typing this on a braille keypad because I gouged my own eyes out.

Which Immigration Law Firm Character are you?

Have you ever wondered which character you would be if you worked in an Immigration Law Firm? People stop me on the street almost everyday and ask for advice on how to answer this age old question. After careful consideration, I have created the following quiz a la Cosmo quiz style, to end this crisis of self discovery.

1. When you think of home you think of..?
a) THE GHETTO
b) Magnetic Poetry arranged in dirty phrases
c) Orthodox Jews
d) Husband, child, rainbows and sunshine
e) No heat and water flooding your ceiling

2. Which is your ideal pet?
a) a dead plant
b) a wine somalie
c) a cat that projectile vomits
d) a cat that pees on you while you are asleep
e) a cat that plays fetch like a dog

3. What is your religion?
a) Shoes
b) New Yorker
c) Lapsed Catholic
d) Puerto Rican
e) Catholic, but only because you like the idea of Purgatory

4. Which item would most likely be found in your desk drawer at work?
a) Smelly hand lotion
b) Smokes
c) Paper weight that really should be displayed proudly on your desk
d) Phallic shaped hair product
e) You don't have a desk drawer
f)Files on your co-workers

5. Which most closely resembles your future goals?
a) Shoes
b) Shoes
c) To own all the items ever offered on HSN
d) Move back to Seattle
e) Either be left alone or to achieve world domination...depends on your mood

6. When accosted on the street how do you react?
a) As long as they aren't yelling at you in Spanish with a bullhorn it doesn't really bother you
b) You yell back at the person because you have had a really bad day and you can't believe they just told you that you have a fat ass
c) I am too cool to be accosted
d) Laugh loudly at them (And I mean really loud) and continue on your way
e) You yell back and follow the people down the street continuing to point out their short comings and asking if they would like to come back and say it to your face

7. Which of the following is most likely to happen to you?
a) Wear two different shoes to work
b) Fall out of a cab and end up needing stitches
b) Having a bird shit on you
c) This kind of stuff doesn't happen to me, or else I just don't tell people when it does
e) Run into a parked car while riding your bike on an empty street

8. How do you handle a difficult co-worker?
a) Kick office doors when they make you mad
b) Spy on them to gather ammunition
c) Stare blankly at co-worker in disbelief that they actually had the balls to say/do that to you
d) Really spy on them to gather ammunition, such as breaking into their locked desk drawers
e) Fashion a homemade voodoo doll from office supplies

9. How do you feel about ninjas?
a) I wish I was a ninja
b) I wonder which job code ninjas would fit under and whether or not I will need to create a new data sheet for ninja specific cases
c) I couldn't possibly care any less about ninjas
d) I think ninjas look great on band-aids
e) I am a ninja


SCORING

Which character are you?

If you answered mostly a) you are Gina. You are very girly with cute shoes and an obsession about whether or not your hair looks like you just stuck your finger in a light socket. You love ninjas. You do not own a pair of tennis shoes and you are completely devoid of sweat glands.

If you answered mostly b) you are Kevina. You are stylish and also love cute shoes, however sometime you are absentminded and you wash said cute shoes in the washing machine. You tend to a bit clumsy and have weird shit happen to you. Lesser people look up to you for your ability to wear white pants and not spill stuff on yourself, it's practically a super power.

If you answered mostly c) you are Lauren. You are a stylish professional attorney. You have a great sense of humor, but sometimes you have to pretend to be an adult which is just no fun at all. You have great purses and a little chicken that poops candy for Easter. Your feet are deathly allergic to the sun and you always have the remains of a previous meal on your desk.

If you answered mostly d) you are Deb. You are a tiny Puerto Rican with an awesomely loud laugh. You are the office mom, but a cool mom who drinks and curses and tells inappropriate jokes. You tend to wear stripped pants to the office and refer to your child as "the offspring"

If you answered mostly e) you are Amanda and you are just freakin fabulous!!!

If you answered f) to any of the questions please go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200

The Express

Super Happy Fun Times ultimate dream: To be featured in the "Blog Log" in the Washington Post Express paper.

As an avid express reader and lover of random shit, it would be my greatest achievement to be featured in in the Blog log column. Unfortunately, they seem to favor posting blogs that feature quasi-relevant or recent events, which you will have discovered by now, is not super happy fun time.

Rather than pander to the news grubbing elite, I will just continue to spew random shit and mentioning my dream of being in the Express in hopes that an editor will someday stumble across Super Happy Fun Time and see how perfect this blog would be for their paper.

As a back up plan I will include a few key Boolean search terms for current events:

McCain, Sex Kidnapper Puppy Cloner, Obama AND Paris Hilton, Naked Germans AND Poland, Grey Poupon.

Ninjas - Part 2

When I think of Spring time, I think of Ninjas

And alas, since it is no longer Spring-time, I am officially unable to continue to post of the topic of Ninjas. I know dear readers, the grief is just too much to handle, but be strong. I know you can get through this trying time. The Ninja lovers support group will be help every weekday night at Gina's apartment at 8pm. We will watch "Ninja of the Night" every sessions as well as visit "Ask a Ninja" for guidance on how to conduct our lives until Spring comes once again.

If you are feeling weak between the support groups, please utilize the ninja related links listed under Other Super Happy Fun Things.

Live Strong!