I know, I know...you thought I was dead

But I'm not. I've been busy and inspiration for a sarcastic rant has been elusive these past few months. I would like to use my recent marriage as an excuse; it has just made me too damn happy. But my older married friends assure me that this will soon wear off and I will recover my sharp acidic wit. So please do not let this cause widespread panic for my well-being.

I am still happy today, but the gods saw fit to have me meet a few choice people this morning and I feel as though I would not be serving my purpose on this earth if I didn't share with all my loyal readers the lessons I learned.

Dear readers, if you own a car, have ever driven a car or are entertained by the number of stupid assholes who use vehicular transport.....please keep reading.

Do's and Don'ts for rear end collisions on a two lane road:

1. Do NOT stop immeadiately blocking the road and the hundreds of cars behind you. Rather pull off the road to let traffic pass.
2. Do pull onto the shoulder, turn into a driveway or sidestreet to accomplish #1
3. Do NOT pull off onto a strip of grass about 2 feet wide that separates the road from a very steep ditch. This is not what they call the "shoulder". Your car will not magically balance on the one wheel that remains on the level grass. Rather, your car will, according to the laws of physics, tip into the steep ditch leaving you and your car sitting on its side now perpendicular to the road.
4. Really do NOT do #3 when there is a driveway no more than 15 feet in front of you that you could have easily pulled into, avoiding the whole ditch debacle entirely.