So usually you're friendly acquaintance does not discuss politics because it is always more sad then funny. But if I don't get this out I think my head will explode. That or I will literally kick the shit out of the next Republican supporter I see.
1. Hello McCain camp -- if Obama had been talking about Palin he wouldn't have used the common phrase "putting lipstick on a pig" he would have said "putting lipstick on a bitchy, lying, corrupt whore". Duh. I guess I never knew grasping at straws could be so fun...but it must be awesome because the republi-fucks just can't get enough of it.
2. Hello Mrs. Palin -- You are as bad as all of the Islamic extremists who are committing violent acts. They are fighting a holy war with a mission from God, and you are fighting a holy war on a mission from God. So now both sides can be irrational fuckheads...doesn't that just scream security and stability.
WooHoo can't wait for you and old cancer face to invade Pakistan and Iran and North Korea. And of course we want to reinstate the draft; McCain wants everyone to have the same opportunities he had in life -- the chance to be tortured and die. But if you're lucky you might actually survive like McCain and someday marry you're own beer heiress.
Okay so I lied, there are two more
3. Palin, Thank you for proving that you don't have to be male to be part of the good ol' boys club. Corruption, cronyism, religious fanaticism, lying and pay-offs. Yes women can do it all too.
4. And finally: If all critics of Palin are being sexist, then all critics of Obama are being racist (although in the republi-fucks party that is probably worn as a badge of honor).
I would like to finish by adding that having different ideas about the economy and health care and energy can be good for the country. Different views bring debate and hopefully learning and growth. But if every time a candidate addresses an issue or questions your record, you whine that it is because you are a woman or because of the liberal media, you are not adding to the discourse of the nation. But then again most of your supporters are rubes anyway and don't understand what "discourse" means.
And yes, saying that makes me an elitist - but unfortunately I am a poor truthful elitist instead of a rich lying elitist like McCain.
And Palin, well she is not elitist, she's just a wrinkly ugly short fat dog with lipstick who likes to attack all visitors whether friend or foe.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Odd Book Titles - Warning - Long and only mildly humorous
So to start with, I have to confess that I did not find the wonder list below on my own. A friend forwarded it to me after one of his co-workers forwarded it to another co-worker who then forwarded it to him. I guess co-worker number one didn't actually like my friend that much.
Apparently, for the past 30 years, the Bookseller magazine has awarded a prize to the oddest book title it can find. The original source is http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_7598000/7598964.stm
The titles are listed below, but in order to save all of my readers the agony of wondering what each book is really about or if it has an important moral or message, I have also included what I will call an executive summary of each of the books.
1978: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
Hey it worked for the mice in Flower's for Algernon, why ruin a good thing
1979: The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution
Step one - find whore. Step two - manage whore. Step three - once whore is past her prime, rob her and kick her out of your house.
1980: The Joy of Chickens
Being gently put to sleep before they hack your head off
1981: Last Chance at Love: Terminal Romances
Too sad to joke about, I mean I am surprised this made it onto the list. I suppose there could be some kind of airport bathroom reference (get it, terminals) but really people dying is sad. But chickens dying is still funny.
1982: Population and Other Problems - China National Publications
The solution is pollution (oh that rhymes:) well pollution and that whole murdering your enemies thing they've got going on
1983: The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling
How to roll a good joint ( for all those cool rebel kids out there)
1984: The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today.
People like Jam. If you don't like jam, you are a tard.
1985: Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts
This book has since been replace by one entitled "The Water Bra for Dummies"
1986: Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
Lauren - any comments?
1987: No Award
Well poop. Don't blame me, I was only 7 and therefore not up to penning the next great novel.
1988: Versailles: The View From Sweden
Wet and foggy
1989: How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art
A how to guide for people who are too stupid to find and use a bathroom (even a porta-potty would do)
1990: Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual
Gross.
1991: No Award
I was still only 11, and while I was writing on the level of Dickens, I would not have been able to follow on the heels of Lesbian Sadomasochism
1992: How to Avoid Huge Ships
A) Step one: Stay on land you dumb ass
B) Step one: While asea look around your boat/ship. Step two - if HUGE ship is coming your way, move. Step three - Pat yourself on the back for not actually being moronic enough to need this book
1993: American Bottom Archaeology
I prefer the term 'ass' or at the very least 'buttocks'. But the real disappointment is that it doesn't use the word excrement in the text.
1994: Highlights in the History of Concrete
300 blank pages
1995: Reusing Old Graves
Step one - Dig up body. Step two - Rob grave. Step three - take the express train to hell for writing a book like this.
1996: Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers
And by 'cancellation numbers' they mean gay sex preferences
1997: The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition
Haha..funny pun about small things and sex
1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw
Step one - find whore. Step two - make whore sleep on straw. Step three - milk cow
1999: Weeds in a Changing World
Follow-up the runaway best selling "Stupid Shit about Weeds"
2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures
Insert lame Viagra joke here
2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service
Hit-men-R-us
2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks
Oh shit! I'm so bored now...this list is too long...all of the humor had been sucked out of the blogosphere
2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
Is it lesbian horses or lesbians with horses or lesbians with lesbian horses or...seriously the title should be more descriptive.
2004: Bombproof Your Horse
Or Hey paranoid fuckhead get some counseling
2005: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It
Rip off of Ghost but without the pottery scene
2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
Trust me, it's funnier if you just imagine this book for yourself
2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs
It's official. I am no longer funny.
Apparently, for the past 30 years, the Bookseller magazine has awarded a prize to the oddest book title it can find. The original source is http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_7598000/7598964.stm
The titles are listed below, but in order to save all of my readers the agony of wondering what each book is really about or if it has an important moral or message, I have also included what I will call an executive summary of each of the books.
1978: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
Hey it worked for the mice in Flower's for Algernon, why ruin a good thing
1979: The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution
Step one - find whore. Step two - manage whore. Step three - once whore is past her prime, rob her and kick her out of your house.
1980: The Joy of Chickens
Being gently put to sleep before they hack your head off
1981: Last Chance at Love: Terminal Romances
Too sad to joke about, I mean I am surprised this made it onto the list. I suppose there could be some kind of airport bathroom reference (get it, terminals) but really people dying is sad. But chickens dying is still funny.
1982: Population and Other Problems - China National Publications
The solution is pollution (oh that rhymes:) well pollution and that whole murdering your enemies thing they've got going on
1983: The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling
How to roll a good joint ( for all those cool rebel kids out there)
1984: The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today.
People like Jam. If you don't like jam, you are a tard.
1985: Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts
This book has since been replace by one entitled "The Water Bra for Dummies"
1986: Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
Lauren - any comments?
1987: No Award
Well poop. Don't blame me, I was only 7 and therefore not up to penning the next great novel.
1988: Versailles: The View From Sweden
Wet and foggy
1989: How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art
A how to guide for people who are too stupid to find and use a bathroom (even a porta-potty would do)
1990: Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual
Gross.
1991: No Award
I was still only 11, and while I was writing on the level of Dickens, I would not have been able to follow on the heels of Lesbian Sadomasochism
1992: How to Avoid Huge Ships
A) Step one: Stay on land you dumb ass
B) Step one: While asea look around your boat/ship. Step two - if HUGE ship is coming your way, move. Step three - Pat yourself on the back for not actually being moronic enough to need this book
1993: American Bottom Archaeology
I prefer the term 'ass' or at the very least 'buttocks'. But the real disappointment is that it doesn't use the word excrement in the text.
1994: Highlights in the History of Concrete
300 blank pages
1995: Reusing Old Graves
Step one - Dig up body. Step two - Rob grave. Step three - take the express train to hell for writing a book like this.
1996: Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers
And by 'cancellation numbers' they mean gay sex preferences
1997: The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition
Haha..funny pun about small things and sex
1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw
Step one - find whore. Step two - make whore sleep on straw. Step three - milk cow
1999: Weeds in a Changing World
Follow-up the runaway best selling "Stupid Shit about Weeds"
2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures
Insert lame Viagra joke here
2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service
Hit-men-R-us
2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks
Oh shit! I'm so bored now...this list is too long...all of the humor had been sucked out of the blogosphere
2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
Is it lesbian horses or lesbians with horses or lesbians with lesbian horses or...seriously the title should be more descriptive.
2004: Bombproof Your Horse
Or Hey paranoid fuckhead get some counseling
2005: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It
Rip off of Ghost but without the pottery scene
2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
Trust me, it's funnier if you just imagine this book for yourself
2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs
It's official. I am no longer funny.
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